I Want a Divorce Because of the Awful Things My Wife Said to Me

He shared his side of the story.

About a year ago, I was out running errands. My wife was asleep, the kids were playing, it was a Sunday. She finally woke up at 11:30. She called and asked me where I was. I shared my location, I was in Hone Depot or next door at the diner eating. I was 30 minutes away. She demanded I come home right that second.

Basically upset, she woke up, and I wasn’t home. I had been up since 6:30 doing errands, exercising, and getting the kids settled, I left at 10:00 AM. I take care of the kids mainly because I have a flexible schedule. My wife works PT. I make 2x more than her also.

© JESHOOTS.com / Pexels

Well, I take an hour to get home. When I got back, she started yelling at me, saying I was worthless, and if I don’t want to be around the family, she was going to take the kids and leave.

Ever since then, knowing how family courts are, I felt like I was living with an assassin. She has the target on me and is just waiting to pull the trigger. I told her numerous times her statements and threats that day highly affected me. I went to therapy and told my therapist.

My wife, my friends, and my parents all told me I needed to get over it, and I was being sensitive. Obviously, my wife was just upset and apologized. Even my therapist said she apologized, why isn’t that enough?

Well, it’s been a year… I’m still not over it. Everyone including my wife is acting like everything is great. We just took a week’s vacation in February as a family. I was there, but I feel like I can’t even openly speak to my wife anymore because battle lines have been drawn.

Am I wrong for holding my wife’s statements a year later and being unable to forgive her? I am acting like everything is fine. To avoid interacting with her, I took a second job in the evening after the kids got home from school and finished their homework. So she just thinks I’m busy, not avoiding her.

He then added more information.

Our kids are Elementary age (7 and 9). The kids basically have their own floor with a bedroom, bathroom, and playroom. I wanted to talk to a lawyer, and two business associates said they wouldn’t give me the name of a lawyer because I’m overreacting.

I talked to a couple of people older than me, both male and female, and they all kept telling me I needed to move on and get over it. I have a whole deck of cards to play before I call a lawyer. My buddy who is 55 hung up on me when I asked him. He called me back a week later and said he would drive me to meet with a lawyer if I still wanted to.

We live in a large Metro, but a small affluent suburb. The type of place where everyone is very well-connected. I took a vacation with my buddy last year, and we ran into my neighbor at the airport, by the time I returned home a few days later, people at my kids’ school knew I went out of town and knew my buddy’s name. I normally walk the same route every day with our dog. I had a foot injury, and couldn’t walk for two weeks. I was in the local pharmacy and some random lady asked me if I was doing okay, she hadn’t seen me walking, and she knew what time to leave for work based on when I walked by the park near her house.

My wife has threatened to leave me several times. We have been together for almost 20 years. But I always felt she was just acting out or blowing smoke. She put our children in the mix with this threat. I can admit she hasn’t made a threat like that since last year. I think she knows she overstepped big time. But I can’t help but feel I’m going to get ambushed one day.

Also, I went on a couple of websites of divorce lawyers in our state, and they have calculators on them for alimony and child support. If she pulls the trigger on this, I’m losing big. We do have a post-nuptial agreement that a lawyer created. I even talked to a buddy about renting his studio out of a building he is constructing. Maybe to just sleep somewhere else while I figure this all out. Everyone is telling me to either suck it up or pay up for my freedom.

My therapist in August asked me point-blank if I still wanted to be married. I told him I don’t know. But I have done some rough calculations on what that would cost. The number is so big, I don’t even know if it’s worth it. He told me he was in a similar position 15–20 years ago. He still got divorced. He still had to pay, it’s just money. He said he waited until his youngest turned 18, but he started planning his exit about 8 years prior…which is the only advice anyone is giving me. Just wait for my wife out.

And people shared their opinions.

• «This sounds like a guy who has made up his mind, decided he wants a divorce, but has spent the past year looking for the neon sign that says, ’you’re right!’ before filing the papers because he doesn’t want to look bad to other people.» rikaragnarok / Reddit
• «Maybe she was a touch upset because he left the kids essentially unsupervised for an hour and a half, since she was asleep and had no idea he’d gone out.» Spank86 / Reddit
• «He can’t forgive her for something she said in anger and then apologized for when he’s actually thinking and planning to do it in secret. The post sounds like he deeply resents her for many reasons, but he can’t bear being the bad guy, so he’s projecting the desire for the end of the marriage onto her instead of owning it.» Archgate82 / Reddit